Week 9 is followed, in accordance with an ancient tradition whose origins are
lost in the mists of time, with Week 10. We’re back on the road after two home
matchups, and the mighty scheduling computer has us on our way to... hmmm. Let
me see, where did I put that schedule? Let me see now... Oh... Oh God. Oh, sweet
Christ no. Oh, dear Lord, please, please don’t send me back there... anywhere
but there... I beseech you...
“Pittsburgh is lovely this time of year.”
You don’t understand. He’ll be there. Waiting for me. Lurking. Lurking
like a rake in the grass...
“What on Earth are you gibbering about, you blithering simpleton?”
You know. Him. Hell’s Halfback. The Unspeakable One. He Who Is Not To Be
Named.
“Haven’t you gotten over this thing with Jerome Bettis yet?”
NEVER SAY THAT NAME!
“God almighty, it’s like working with a five-year-old. J*r*me B*tt*s, then.
Happy?”
How do you do that?
”What?”
Pronounce asterisks?
“Sigh. Moving swiftly on - Bett..”
Careful.
“B*tt*s is only the backup runner for the Steelers these days, Bill “The
Chin” Cowher preferring Amos Zeroue’s superior burst and speed in most
situations. But quietly Pittsburgh have moved away from their traditional focus
on the run and become a wide-open passing team – the practically immoblile Tommy
Maddox chucking the pigskin to all and sundry. Hines Ward and Antwaan Randle El
are both very quick and have great hands – while Plaxico Burress is hellaciously
quick, has great hands and is about seventeen feet tall to boot. The line is
decent, although notably weaker on the right side than on the left. A pretty
good unit, all in all. The defence, on the other hand, is
very good. The defensive line is really
just there to fill space and keep blockers off the linebackers. Jason Gildon,
Kendrell Bell and Joey Porter are about as good a 1-2-3 as you’ll find in the
league. The fourth guy, James Farrior, isn’t in the same league but would still
walk into a starting spot on, for example, the Browns.”
Or us?
“That goes without saying. Steven Hawking would play strongside ‘backer
better than any of the chimps you’ve got at the moment. It’s a strong secondary,
as well – the cornerbacks are great, the safeties less so but then with the
players around them they scarcely need to be. This is going to be a game in
which you’ll find out whether your offence is really as good as some of the
stats they’ve been putting up.”
And our defence?
“You already know that they suck.”
Fair enough.
-
In we go, then, to the only stadium in professional sport whose scoreboard is
adorned with the enormous bottles of tomato sauce.
Tacky? You might think that, I couldn’t possibly comment.
We’re 4-4 at the turn, and looking at the remaining schedule there are enough
schlubs and makeweights – hello, Chicago! – left for us to play that it’s just
about possible that we could retain a .500 mark through to the finish.
I know. Always chasing the impossible dream.
We win the toss – wahey! – and optimistically take the wind in the 4th, the
Steelers electing to receive the kick. Just to make a refreshing change, I’m
more worried about their aerial attack than the ground game, so to confound me
they run twice up the gut to start the game, picking up 9. On 3rd and inches,
Cowher elects to try and use Zeroue’s speed outside but SS Adrian Wilson, by a
comfortable margin the best player on our defence, gets up quickly to knock the
halfback down behind the gain-line. Wahey again, and Terry Fair calls for the
catch they named after him on our 29.
Okay - let’s go to work. Run stuffed, sack, pass clangs to the ground. Okay -
let’s go back to watching daytime soaps and eating beans on toast. Then we find
out that stopping Pittsburgh is a bit more difficult when it isn’t totally
bloody obvious what they’re about to do. They move 64 yards in 11 plays, and
there’s a simple pattern emerging – whenever they run up the middle or pass,
they pick up yardage. Whenever they run outside, they don’t. We can’t get close
to Maddox and as they move into the red zone we’re forced to blitz to try and
manufacture pressure from somewhere, which doesn’t work either – Plaxico Burress
stupidly open over the middle, 1st and goal at the 7. Somehow, though, the
Steelers haven’t spotted what’s working for them and try two sweeps, picking up
a grand total of 2 yards. 3rd down, then, and Bill Cowher shows himself to be a
graduate of the General Sir Anthony Hogmanay Melchet School Of Offence (“Doing
what we’ve tried and failed twice already is precisely the last thing they’ll be
expecting this time!”), and looks actually shocked when Raynoch “Only In The
Starting Lineup ‘Till Stephen Hawking Stops Playing Hardball On Contract
Negotiations” Thompson gets out to stop Zeroue yet again. Jeff Reed hits the
easy figgie, and the scoreboard operators earn their corn for the first time
this afternoon – ARI 0-3 PIT
Teams seem to have worked out recently that Jeff Blake doesn’t handle pressure
well, so as we come out firing Pittsburgh come out blitzing to good effect. On
3rd and 10, though, they see our 2RB/3WR formation and sit back in coverage,
leaving Jeff with no-one to throw to as he rolls out. So he keeps rolling. And
rolling. And rolling. And rolls right out of bounds fifteen yards downfield
after his longest, and possibly only, scramble of the season. The heat keeps
coming, though, and we eventually have to punt from the Steeler 44... and it’s a
fake! Ahahahaaaa! Fooled you, you uni-logo’ed dimwits! Fear my misdirection
skills! Scott Player to James Hodgins for 3 yards! I mean yes, it’s a pity it
was a 4th and 8, but still...
Feeling all exotic, the Steelers begin their possession with a Zeroue running
left and faking the reverse to Randal El, but our containment is good and he’s
stopped after just a handful of yards. The d-line steps up, forcing a sack then
causing Maddox to miss Hines Ward by a mile on 3rd down, and. Josh Miller slices
his punt out of bounds at our 33 as the Steelers fail to make us pay for the
muffed fake. Phew.
Our problem is that we can’t run at all. Or pass much. But we’re handing off
consistently enough that the Steelers still have to respect it, giving Blake
enough time on the play-fake to set his feet and find Freddie Jones posting out
for 15. It doesn’t solve the fact that Shipp is running like a man whose boots
are nailed to the floor, though, and even when we see the Pittsburgh defence
spread out on 3rd and 7 and try running a draw he still can’t get
anything going. 4th and 4 at the 40, then, and still in the too-far-out-to-kick,
too-close-to-punt zone. I’ve already gone for it once and failed pathetically,
so by the law of averages I’m due to make it this time, yes? No messing about
with fakes this time, just doing what we do best – alright, what we do least
badly. Anquan Boldin runs a sharp slant, gets half a step on Chad Scott and
Blake’s pass is right on the money, Boldin eventually getting bundled over
inside the 20. Jeff hits Johnno down to the 2 four plays later, just so that he
doesn’t end up feeling left out, and from there it’s Shipp Time. Wallop. Four
minutes left in the first half, ARI 7-3 PIT
With the clock ticking, the Steelers go back to the air – and once they’re in
one-dimensional mode, we can stop them. Sort’ve. After ten plays and 46 yards,
anyway. Jeff Reed hits the 42-yard FG - ARI 7-6 PIT
With 85 seconds to play, we’ve still got our noses in front and enough time to
extend our lead. Terry Fair takes the kickoff in the endzone and comes blasting
out at full whack, looking to slash through the coverage and break a big return.
Then he realises he’s an Arizona Cardinal and decides it’s much more
in-character to drop the ball the moment a defender so much as looks at him the
wrong way. Bloody hell. Pittsburgh set up at our 16. I think we’ve got them
stopped on The Official Down And Distance Of The Arizona Cardinals, but of
course we haven’t – Antwaan Randal El down to our 2. It takes Amos Zeroue three
goes to get in, but get in he does and it’s yet another new and interesting way
for us to self-destruct. Innovators, that’s what we are. ARI 7-13 PIT
Less than a minute to go to halftime, then, so whatever we’re going to do we’d
better do it fast. They’re still bringing the heat, so we try to counter with
slants and swing-passes to cool their jets. Emmitt Smith tiptoes down the
sideline for a pickup of 13, then with the safeties too concerned with outside
passes to Anquan or Johnno, Bryan Gilmore is able to get free across the middle
and take us into long field-goal range at the Pittsburgh 30 – timeout, one left,
31 seconds. Anquan makes the catch on a shallow drag for 8 yards, but a Shipp
drop and a pass batted away from Johnno force the kick, Bill Gramatica bang on
line from 40 yards out, and a topsy-turvy half ends with the score ARI 10-13
PIT
-
It’s closer than I expected, truth be told. We’re still very much in this, and
get the ball at the start of the second half to try and nick the lead back. We
struggle to one first down, needing a nice catch by Freddie Jones to convert on
3rd and 6, then quickly end up in the same down and distance. Jeff Blake sees
the free safety creeping up to the line and sends Anquan Boldin on a fly into
the gap – he has to throw before he wants to which stops AB going all the way,
but it’s still a 23 yard gain, 1st down at the One-Logos’ 28. Flushed with
success, Jeff goes for the lot in one play, but underthrows Bryan Gilmore just a
tad down the right sideline and backup strong safety Mike Logan somehow makes up
the ground to pick it off. Bugger. It looks like he’s going to take it back all
the way, but Anquan busts a gut to get there and makes the tackle at our 18. A
ticky-tack pass interference call gives them 1st and goal at our 9, but we stuff
two runs then Raynoch “Of Course He’s Having A Good Game, I Took The Piss Out Of
Him In The Introduction” Thompson gets across on the swing pass to just
nudge Amos Zeroue out at our 1. Jeff Reed can’t miss, and that makes it ARI
10-16 PIT
We’re not going to let that go, though, and respond in traditional Arizona
fashion – with two passes that clang to the ground, a sack and a punt that
barely clears midfield. The Steelers suddenly realise that they’ve got a wideout
who would be taller than our secondary even if they were forming a human
pyramid, and wonder whether lobbing the ball in that general direction might be
a good idea. It is. Plaxico Burress absolutely mullers David Barrett for a
46-yard gain, down inside our 10. Two runs later and the game’s starting to get
just a wee bit out of control. ARI 10-23 PIT
Our offence is getting better, though – we avoid the sack this time and just
have three incompletions before the punt that barely clears halfway. We’re
starting to get a smidge of pressure on Maddox, though, even if we can’t
actually sack the sod, and the Steeler drive stalls just inside our 30 where
Jeff Reed, who’s really earning his corn today, smacks his fourth FG to make it
ARI 10-26 PIT
More evidence of our offensive revival as we even manage to get a 1st down on
the ensuing possession, but a sack on tODaDotAC leads to Scott Player having to
kick yet a-bloody-gain. We hold them to three and out, though, and set up with
decent field position and, with ten minutes on the clock and the gap at two
touchdowns and two deuces, still just the faintest hope of actually getting back
into this. A hope which lasts exactly three plays before Blake, under pressure
for the umpteenth time, tries to rocket one in to Johnno and instead finds
Dewayne Washington for another interception. Hines Ward and Jay Riemersma get
them close, then Zeroue get them in and that’s pretty much game over. ARI
10-33 PIT
As is traditional, with the game out of reach we start playing. Johnno finally
gets some space as their secondary softens up, and slaloms through tackles for
29 yards down to the 1. Amazingly, it takes big Marcel three goes to bull over
from there, but the end result’s still the same. Blake misses Anquan on the
deuce attempt, though, and with just under four minutes to play the deficit is
down to ARI 16-33 PIT
Just three scores in it, then! Hell, if the Peytonator can do it against the
league’s best defence, I’m sure we can turn over this bunch of chumps. We line
up for the onside, Scott Player gives the ball a mighty hoof into the turf, it
bounces up, spins end-over-end... and bounces out of bounds. Bugger. That’s very
much game over, then. Does Chinny-Boy let up? Does he hell. Zeroue again, ARI
16-40 PIT, and Cowher joins Brett Favre on the list of people who’d better
bloody well watch their backs.
We get to practice our two-minute drill, and do a decent job of it, Jeff Blake
marching us downfield 78 yards in 12 plays, capping off the drive with a short
pass to Bryant Johnson, but it’s only a consolation score. Final - ARI 23-40
PIT, and that’ll be 4-5 then. Bugger.
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(c) daniel
roe 2004
